Time Chump
(?) August 3rd, 1999

Time travel is an impossible dream.  While it is feasible in a mathematical and quantum sense, the propensity for galaxy-busting paradox makes it incredibly unlikely.  As Hawking as said, the universe would somehow make time-travel impossible, because of the twisty-topsy-turvy nature of paradox. 

But that doesn't stop some people. 

A man named Steven Gibbs claims to have invented a working time-machine, and he's selling it on his website.  

That's right, people, you can buy an honest-to-god time machine, and for just $360!  He's also selling various "reports" on the different concepts and qualities of time travel (including a report on "Kabalistic Numerology") for $19.99 each. 

Here's basically, in his own words and his own font, how it works:

THIS DEVICE WORKS JUST LIKE A RADIONICS MACHINE. IN OTHER WORDS, AFTER THE UNIT HAS BEEN CONNECTED TO A 11OV OUTLET, THE DIALS ON THE MACHINE ARE THEN TUNED RADIONICALLY FOR THE YEAR, MONTH, AND DAY THAT YOU WISH TO TRAVEL TO. THIS IS DONE WHILE THE TIME COILS ARE POSITIONED AROUND THE HEAD. BUT ANYHOW, AFTER THE RATES HAVE BEEN FOUND, THE UNIT IS ACTIVATED, AND THE ELECTROMAGNET IS PLACED OVER THE SOLAR PLEXUS FOR THE SPACE OF 3 MINUTES. AFTER THE TREATMENT IS OVER WITH, THE UNIT IS DEACTIVATED AND THE TIME COILS REMOVED. THE PERSON NOW FINDS A COMFORTABLE PLACE TO RELAX IN ORDER FOR THE ENERGIES TO TAKE EFFECT. IF YOU HAVE DONE
EVERYTHING CORRECTLY, YOU WILL THEN BE PROJECTED TO THE YEAR, MONTH, AND DAY. 

Mostly, the RESONATOR is only capable of psychic time-travel...in other words, time travel that could easily be a lot like a hallucination or lucid dream.  BUT, one can travel through time physically if and only if the following conditions are met:

...YOU CAN USE THE HYPER-DIMENSIONAL RESONATOR FOR PHYSICAL TIME TRAVEL, BUT ONLY WHEN ACTIVATED OVER A NATURAL GRID POINT, OR IN A PLACE WHERE UFO'S ARE SIGHTED. 

Yep, I wish I could be surprised to read that, but after two years of this crap, I really can't be. 

There is also a long, rambling interview with Mr. Gibbs in which he discusses the Greys, MiBs, alien abductions and the New World Order. 

There are two possibilities here; Mr. Gibbs is either a certified psychotic, with delusions that would scare H.P. Lovecraft, or he's a convincing fraud with a lot of time in the occult section of the library.  Either way, you'll have to make that deduction yourself.  But please, if you can, tell us if he's joking...  

 

 

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